so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
