Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
