Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize