??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my phone needs a breathalizer
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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