Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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