Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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