who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
