He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
