i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
