soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
