We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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