I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
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