i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
