Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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