Your mouth is God's brothel.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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