The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
