farters have to be the big spoon...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
