Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
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(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
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I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i now understand why vodka
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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