And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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