Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
