Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Randomize
