just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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