Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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