in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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