I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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