The best revenge is premature balding
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
