They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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