True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
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I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
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Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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