i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
