i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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