can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
