I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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