if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
