Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
