Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
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He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
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There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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