i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
