allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
