I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
