i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
