He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
