Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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