So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
