checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
