Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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