Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
