her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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