What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
