If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
