I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
