he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
