the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
