For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
