My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
