my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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