I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
