forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
