dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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