youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
