every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
